Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
