if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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