im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize