any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
