Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I have fence marks all over my body
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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