cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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