Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
