my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
