Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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