erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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