i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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