Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize