My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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