It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
