When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
