U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
