bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
