The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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