But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
