I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
