oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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