I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
