i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
