No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
