I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
