You just made me feel so damn special
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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