We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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