stop calling my apartment porn island.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize