Are we in a gay sports bar?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
