She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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