he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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