This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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