i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize