Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
