You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
