Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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