I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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