He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
