I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
