I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize