You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Still dying that you shit outside
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
