I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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