So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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