your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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