can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize