My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize