Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i've created a new STD.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
