Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
