On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
