Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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