my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
is it fun? or sober?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
