please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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