She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
