You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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