I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
we're so committed to being not committed
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
