I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize