What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
