She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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