Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
