this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
