I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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