I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You ruined the universe
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
