Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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